spontaneous ski trip

Hi hello whats up y’all

Ironic that my last two writings have all been about ski trips

Clearly, you can see what I really care about …

ski trips

and yet when I did go on a ski trip

I only made it thru a day and a half of skiing

bc I am so out of shape

if only I hadn’t stopped going to the gym !

or doing any form of physical exercise

although actually that’s not true I’ve been doing Yoga for my neck pain

which my neck hurts rn

clearly I am doing something wrong

Guess I’ll have to do more yoga for neck pain

BRb

but anyway, I did finally get to go on a ski trip

this one was a spontaneous ski trip with a stranger

literally went with someone I had never met before

and now I can’t stop thinking about him

It reminds me of that Ariana Grande song: Intro (end of the world)

** in Ariana’s voice**

“then I had this interaction I’ve been thinking bout for like five weeks

wonder if he’s thinking bout it to and smiling

wonder if he knows that’s what inspired me … “

yeah, that sounds about right

what an album !! right ?

recently converted Ariana Grande fan

that’s all I can say on that

Well, anyway, I survived my ski trip with a stranger

He did not have homicidal or malicious intent

what a relief !

I wonder if I’ll ever see him again

One can only wonder

xoxoxo

em

cancelled ski trip

Hi loves <3

Miss me ?

Been too long

I lowkey forgot about my musings

I was receiving pressure externally to change who I am and get a professional position.

This led me to neglect the creative pursuits I had spent so long trying to hone.

My psychiatrist says I should raise my standards in respect to allowing external pressures to affect me so strongly.

#livingwithBPD

but anyway, its been like 6 months now

what was that, like august ?

Time passes differently when you’re not in school

But I have a job now

in theory

yet I will still spend my free time with all of u <3

exclusive fan sites are still active until further notice :P

well !

I was supposed to be on a flight to Aspen right now.

big sad face :,(

cancelled ski trip

so upsetting, honestly

at least the clothes I ordered are arriving soon :)

Ahhhh ! Cass just sat on my lap

that’s my call to go

love y’all

xoxoxo

em

Why Speed Drive is about Female Orgasms

Why Speed Drive is really about vibrators

Hear me out

Charli XCX’s new song Speed Drive evokes visions of fast cars and cataclysmic chases

But what if I told you there’s another, more sexy, interpretation to be had here ?

That’s right, I’m talking, female masturbation.

I had this idea while using my vibrator

Aka “my best friend in the whole world”

And any woman who can take her pleasure into her own hands is “jump[ing] into the drivers seat” and putting “it” -the vibrator -“into speed drive” aka turning the vibrator on and using it

And if that’s not convincing enough think about how “hot” that imagery is, riding on the sheets, you could say, “on a different frequency” (9 vibration modes)

And then she says

“Know you know just what I mean”

And I’m over here like, Oh baby, I gotchu

“We’re running through the red lights” aka cumming to the lcd light that tells you your vibrator is on

Whereeresss the lieeeeeee ?

Where’s the lie, the lie, the lie, the lie, yeah

Verse 2 only adds fuel to the flame

“Got the top down, tires on fire”

Is masturbation imagery with the top (shirt) down (off) and the tires (genitalia) on fire (on vibrate).

“Who are you I’m living my life?”

A real queen takes her pleasure into her own hands and doesn’t care what others think

Next, there’s a bit of a stigma around female masturbation hence the “side eye” mentioned in the next line

Everyone’s jealous of our female orgasms (they’re “one of a kind”)

Women who take pleasure into their own hands are “a classic, Real deep [Vibrator]”

And the girls who need to know ?

Well, they already know

They’re over there

Heavy Air

You know those days

Where the world seems smaller

The walls look tighter

The air appears heavier

And it feels like everything you are

everything you own

is blancing on a needle

and at any second

it could come crashing down

and you’re who livelihood

everything you are

is done for, in an instant,

and who are you when that happens ?

what do you become ?

You can start by asking

the

n

ee

dl

e

Toxic fans

I mean. Any questions ?

They muse as they pour over

Thousands of hours of internet content

Looking for their latest fix

In the world of celebrity gossip

They don’t know and

we’ve been trying to tell them

It’s an addiction

But they go on about their days

Commenting on useless drama

That happened three months ago

And they think they’re doing us a service

But they can’t see the forest for the trees,

Don’t you see the truth ?

Everyone’s trying to hide it behind lies

But the spiritually inclined can see it

Partially obstructed and cautiously hidden

Away behind PR moves

But it’s there.

And it’s certainly not on Twitter

Like

Calling your fave celeb ex hateful things

For literally no valid reason is

So strange like where did you get this

Information from ? The internet ?

Well, you can’t believe anything

You read on there

Positive Message

Positive message

Positive message

Positive message

Positive Message

Positive message

Positive messàge

Positive message

Positive mess age

Positive mess age

Positive message

Positive message :)

The Breakdown of the Modern American Relationship

Huh ?

the breakdown of the modern American relationship

Every ounce of my being is working to stop me from writing another slander piece on my neighbors since I hate repeating myself. So this time, I will extend my discussion to the generality of all modern American relationships. This essay explores what I’ve seen in my own life to be a failure in modern American relationships. As a country, we seem to have forgotten what we actually need from a partner, vs what we must supply ourselves.

The trigger for me writing this essay was 5 words: “I like the name … ”. Granted, these words could have been uttered in a few different contexts, and I will briefly mention an acceptable one. If these words were uttered to an already pregnant lady about her baby, then my argument is moot. But if these words were uttered by my narcissistic, toxic neighbor about HERSELF, then everything I say here stands.

So why am I so bothered by “I like the name (for a boy)” ? Good question, maybe I’m just jealous ? Yes, I am single and alone after all; or maybe I see something they don’t, as an outsider to this relationship ? Or perhaps, I actually understand what it’s like to be responsible for another living being, and the idea of a baby being reduced to a new name makes my blood boil ? Who’s to say why this triggered me so, really ?

“I like the name (for a boy)” suggests that this couple is living their relationship for some future expectation of having children together. Living for a future expectation will do nothing but ensure a lack of happiness in the present. In addition, a child is more than just an object to name and an idea to muse over. A child requires constant due diligence and care. If naming the child is what is most exciting, they’re not ready to have a child.

This couple not being ready for taking care of a child is supported by all the fighting going on behind the scenes, when the guests aren’t over. Pretending to be a happy couple works great for four hours out of the week when guests are invited over, but that doesn’t discount the fights the rest of the week. The last fight I heard, the girl threatened DEATH. ( I’m not even kidding. I wasn’t paying attention so all I heard was her screaming “WANT TO DIE” so I don’t have context for y’all and I’m only 90% sure she was talking about her Own death, and not his; but yeah, that was how their last fight ended, her threatening death). So, that’s who we’re dealing with here. Seems absurd that the next conversation I heard was her contemplating baby names ? Like how insanely toxic is that ???

I’m getting too much into a slander on my neighbors again ! They’re supposed to be an example for a broader discussion here. The gist of said discussion is unhappiness in a relationship in the present won’t bring about happiness with the addition of an external element in the future, like children, if one is even so lucky as to have said opportunity ! We mustn’t forget that God gifts us babies when we are ready, and living a blocked life away from our true potential (aka staying in a toxic relationship) could obstruct his plans for us.

The breakdown of the modern American relationship occurs when partners live their life for a future obligation or expectation, such as getting married or having children together. A healthy relationship stays grounded in the present all the whilst discussing their joint futures together. Yes! This would include picking baby names, Together; all the while keeping in mind that a child is a whole-ass-being with a conscience and a soul, and caring for @ baby is more than simply giving it a name. LOL.

So what’s wrong with “I like the name (for a boy)” ? Casually throwing hints to your partner you want children together seems harmless enough? Right ? Wrong ! Doing so is a form of manipulation in which the perpetrator is attempting to convince their partner of an alternate future at which they are the center. In a healthy relationship, each partner is free to make his or her own choices, regardless of the other’s expectations. In a healthy relationship, expectations are managed, not people.

Dropping hints that you want children together is a subtle form of emotional manipulation since it attempts to persuade the partner into the future reality planned by the dreamer. A child brought into a toxic relationship is not lucky, at all. We should be calling these situations out, not sitting back and letting love fly out the door. Has no one remembered the phrase “if you love something let it go, if it comes back to you, it’s yours to keep” ? I swear y’all don’t know what love is.

Love is not refusing to let someone go

Love is not manipulating someone into having children with you

Love is not staying with someone until you get the ring

Love is not wanting someone’s money

Love is not only about joining a new family

Love is sacrifice

Love is loss

Love is hurt and hate

Love is deep pain

Love is missing them when they’re not around

How can one miss someone if they’re constantly jumping down their throat ?

How can one be happy with someone when they’re constantly waiting for the future ?

How can one expect to live happily ever after with children when they’re not living happily ever after without them ?

Someone do something !

I’ve just had enough of this.

I’m sorry God, but I hate my neighbors.

Nature v wealth

nature v wealth

Has anyone else noticed

That when wealth moves in

Nature moves out

Why are humans so opposed

To living in harmony with nature ?

The closed walls, heavy roofs

Dark curtains, cold glass

All to keep the wild out

And the tamed in

But why ?

Does the cloistered life benefit us ?

I don’t agree with you

To live in harmony with nature

Is to live in peace

To live in harmony with creatures

Is to live with company

To live in harmony with humans

Is to live with love

End the modernist movement

Bring back life amongst the trees

Haters will say

Haters will say

I made it all about me

Because they don’t understand

The victims live on in memory

ode to half moon bay

A community torn asunder

In the wake of a massacre

Of a complex understanding

Beyond the town has seen before

I wear my half moon bay merch

To half moon bay

I can’t tell anymore if it shows my support for the town

Or for the massacre

Amazing what a news story like this can do for tourism

Have you ever had everyone fear you ?

Has its pros, surely, but for a tourist town

Definitely has its cons

But calling it a tourist destination is an understatement

I myself am overlooking other aspects of this beautiful community

Because the locals who live there

Are really what gives the town

It’s color

So what was the consensus ?

Can I wear my Half Moon Bay hat or not ?

Well, you tell me, what do you think ?

When you are reminded of a tragedy

Trigger

trigger

I have been trying to figure out

What the hell is going on

And then I realized

The media takes it all away

When you’re in the headlines

The news becomes there’s

It is no longer yours

Your joys, your sorrows, your shames

Open for the public eye to gawk

And judge you remorselessly

So I see now why it’s all so important

To keep it all under cover

Yet, I am not ignorant to

The other secrets behind held

Behind my back

Such as is

On the Use of “Psycho”

Psycho

A word used fairly often in everyday lexicology. But what does “psycho” actually mean ?

Logic states “psycho” is short for “psychotic”, and psychotic is a medical term for a mental health condition.

So “psycho” is used positively to spread awareness about dysfunctional mental health states of being, right ?

Wrong

I’ve seen a psychotic break in person

And they called ME the “psycho”

And repeatedly gaslit me into believing I was the irrational one

So what does a psychotic episode actually look like from the outside ?

And how has the breakdown of modern medical lexicology failed us so deeply ?

Or perhaps it is society’s perception of mental illness that created these sorts of misunderstandings

Who knows ?

Surely not me

Honestly, I don’t want to get involved

So what does “psycho” mean to me ?

I’ve been using the word way too liberally. Calling people “psycho” for acting on their emotions seems too loose. In that instance, we’re all “psycho” a lot of the time.

Psychotic episodes are real things. I direct you to Albert Camus’ L’étranger

People on psychotic breaks are completely irrational and very difficult to reality check. They are very likely to gaslight the outsider into believing they’re the “psycho” one in their delusional fantasy.

Do we all need a reality check ?

Long story short, psychotic breaks are DANGEROUS, if one was to interefere.

They’re not something to be taken lightly or joked about.

Would you know a psychotic break if it was staring you right in the face ?

So I call to use the word “psycho” more rigidly, to call attention to what real psychotic episodes look like, instead of labeling each and every emotional person as “psycho”

Blessed & best,

Em

<3

Secret Assault

Can we talk about the transgressions that happen in the crowd ?

Hidden under waving arms and writhing bodies

Sneaky hands get to groping

The breasts and thighs of others

A kind of assault we don’t talk about enough

The kind that happens under the cover of darkness of the crowd

And behind the wave of blasting tunes An animalistic desire is at work, satisfying it’s ego

What am I hinting at ? Allow me to spell it out for the crowd

Predators touching girls/boys without consent in the pit during shows

I’ve been there, I’ve seen it

And we’re not doing enough to stop it

To the unsuspecting victims:

It happens during your favorite song

When you’re grinding with the air,

And they see you dancing

And they want you

It happens during your crowd surfing

When they stick their hands somewhere  on your body that they shouldn’t have

And they grab you

And you brush it away like it was nothing

But it wasn’t nothing, and you didn’t deserve it

To the predators hiding in the crowd:

I see you

I know what you’re doing

When you grab the thigh of that person in front of you

And they turn around in bewilderment

“Oooops !” You say, “Accident”

And she/he/they believes you

And you sigh in relief because you got away with it

With sneaking that little touch

But it wasn’t really an accident

It was an assault

A Real Mystery

A theory

In practice

Of a mystery

At a house

Winchester

To be exact

A real mystery

Well, you see

I have a theory

One that is sad to tell

But important to hear

For, you see, When you sell your soul to the devil

There will always be consequences

My theory is that

A long time ago

A group of gun yielding men

Held women at gunpoint

And raped them

The Winchesters

But a deal with a devil always pays a price

And it ended up taking the life

Of the children and the family

And leaving a skeletal home

Of pain and longing

Who’s to say who caught the virus first ?

Who’s to say where they got it from ?

Who’s to say if incest was involved ?

Who’s to say if any of this is true ?

Some things never change

Men have been raping women for conquest for centuries

That’s a fact

And the invention of rifles really only made that easier

I bet Sarah would attest to that

But the devil is very real

And he will take a sacrifice

And sadly for her, and her family

It was them

She’ll Never Know

She’ll never know

So, I don’t have to tell her,

if she will never find out

I can just keep it to myself,

because she’ll never know

She never directly asked,

so I never directly told her

I skirted around in circles,

Always avoiding the truth

So, I didn’t tell her,

Because she’ll never know

It’s better off if she doesn’t worry

Or know the truth

It’s noble of me, right ?

To do all of this and not tell her

It won’t come back to me, right ?

I don’t believe in Karma, anyway

Oh, she found out ?

And she’s mad I never told her ?

Well, I didn’t think she would find out

So, that’s why I never told her.

Right,

How noble of you

And how lucky she must be

To be lied to

Ingrained

Misogyny

Hey ! Hey you ! You’re a guy, right ?

So, you know about women ?

Yeah ? So, would you know, by any chance, have they gotten worse ?

Have girls gotten worse ?

I argued so, in my past,

Does that make me sexist ?

Jeez. Who am I, my ex ?

I hope that line isn’t copyrighted

What is going on around here ?

Lowkey surprised I never heard from them

After all this time, you would’ve thought

By Jove , maybe, that was always the problem

The expectation

Was this about me being sexiest ?

I meant sexist but autocorrect, for me

Towards men ? Or women ? Or both ? Or all ?

I get why people live their lives pushing sunflowers and rainbows and unicorns and kisses because I am scared

I am scared of women

And men

But mostly women

The patriarchal society pits women against one another as a competition. We’re all living in gym class, trying to show off for the potential mates. So women are constantly tearing the women above them down off that rope climb.

I am scared of pulling ahead on the rope. I am scared they will pull me down if they see me ahead of them. I am living in fear

I’ve noticed a metaphor gets lost on people nowadays

I miss some of the classic stylings of literature

The stuff you learn about in literature class

Like summer school

(Oxymoron)

Well, perhaps I do what I can.

And maybe learn to cook some more

Maybe eat some more, idk, one steak at a time

(I actually am making steak tonight

And I made brownies today)

I will try harder to be compassionate towards other women whom I feel threatened by

Easier said than done (i feel threatened by everyone nowadays)

Have y’all ever had Borderline Personality Disorder ?

Rough case over here

Ghost Story

closet shadow, energy to left

rushing at me

i hide under covers

two minutes later

i come up for air

nothing

stillness

a brief cold

chill in the air

what is this ?

i’m scared

maybe I should leave this room

I run out

I’m hiding

this is so strange

am i being haunted ?

I'm hiding in the living room

Back to the bedroom

i left the lights on

i walk over to my bed

the lights are still on

i sit on the edge of the bed

the lights turn off

i’m sitting on the edge of the bed

did the power go out ?

why did the lights turn off ?

how did that happen ?

what is going on ?

i run out the room

the lava lamp is still on

So strange

I run to the couch

hiding

the wifi never went off

so the power did not go out

maybe the cat pulled the plug ?

I'll go check

The bedroom

I walk over

I turn the corner

I look at the switch

It is in the off position

I left it in the on position

Huh ?

The plug is still in the outlet

The switch is off

Who did that ?

The next day

I flip the light switch

I get a shock

a brief electrical charge

I was not the last energy to touch the switch

Someone else was here

The lights turned on immediately

So the plug is still in the outlet

Not the cat

Not the powerlines

The wind ? That strong ? Inside ?

What else could it be ?

No explanation

Wild

how did the light switch get turned off ?

I Hate You

I hate you

I hate you so much

You‘re so full of it

How could you do this ?

No empathy

No care

How could you ?

Why would you do it ?

Questions left unanswered

Feelings left unaddressed

We don’t speak so

I can’t tell you

In person

How much

I hate you

(I hate you)

The Mindset

Gotta get in the right mindset, don’t you see ?

Adopt a new perspective to add new insight

Where a healthy mind thrives, a better life may be

See the world a whole new way, you just might

How to interact with others, when out and about

What it means to be human, all my failings exposed

How to be humble, be better, and not flout

Yet retain self-confidence, a good character to show

It has already taken me quite a long time

To understand each other, and the human mind

At first it didn’t make sense, I couldn’t draw the line

I’m still learning, I’m still growing, it all takes time

How to love myself, without external help

And be my own best friend, show up for myself

This allowed me to slow my life, ponder and welp

I sit alone with four walls, just me and my self

why ?

Nothing makes sense anymore; as if it ever did before. I can muck up almost anything *

Perhaps if I drink enough coffee and smoke enough weed, I won’t need to eat .

I have been contemplating the word demeaning, and what it means to reduce someone to something else, dehumanizing. Specifically, what makes me feel demeaned and dehumanized ? And how could I be guilty of the same ?

I feel demeaned when someone says one thing to me, but knowingly thinks another. One could call it lying, but it’s more subtle than that. It’s a conscious decision not to share information. As a Gemini, I live for knowledge, and I consider keeping truths to be a betrayal. I feel demeaned and dehumanized by the idea of intentionally deciding to hide truths from me, regardless of whatever the truth is. If there’s a truth that someone in my life decides they have to keep from me, perhaps they should consider why that is. ANd don’t even get me started on abandonment !

On the other side, perhaps my own negative perceptions of others leads me to view people as bad, or unworthy, which in turn creates this sense of demeaning in my descriptions of them. I see them as less than human because of the pain, hurt, and betrayal, so I subconsciously dehumanize them in my mind and thoughts. Perhaps we are all guilty of this. It is hard to say what is right and what is wrong here. Perhaps the same is true: I am not qualified to be making that judgement of other humans, either. So, in order to stop demeaning and dehumanizing, I must first stop judging.

Avoiding judgement is impossible for someone with my condition (Borderline Personality Disorder). Passing judgement is a form of self protection. It allow me to feel more in control of my settings and surroundings. As someone who struggles with social anxiety, it allows me to feel a sense of control when I would otherwise be overwhelmed. I was going to say it allows me to feel like one of the group, but is this actually true ? In fact, it seems more likely that by judging everyone I am actually removing myself from the “group thought” if you will. I have always been proud of my originality, yet its important to understand how I created an outcast of myself.

UGH ! So, how are we guilty of demeaning and dehumanizing others ?

My immediate thought is the idea of deification of a celebrity. Sure, to a certain degree all the famous egos want us to tell them that they’re a God, but how is this actually detrimental to their own soul ? Excuse me for getting all spiritual on you, but who goes to Heaven that Falsely Thinks he is a God in his first Life ? We should be reeling in celebrities from the land of golden clouds, not placing them on a pedestal like the Oscars they hold. Beyond actors, there’s front (wo)men of bands, who are often idolized beyond the rest of the band despite being equally as talented. Admiration of others is a natural human condition and worshipping of celebrities a worldwide human phenomenon. Yet, we should be mindful of the dehumanization which occurs whenever humans begin to idolize another. Actors, Athletes, comedians, you name it. Anyone who is idolized is dehumanized. Do you agree ?

In my own mind, I reduce others to emotional interactions I had with them. I hold a lot of grudges, and I hardly forget anything. Strong negative emotional interactions may cause me to lash out, either immediately, or with a delayed response. These attacks are almost always typed, as I am aware that I hide behind the screen.

Yet, these people who hurt me. I guess, they’re human too, And I hate them, because they hurt me. But, I am guilty of demaning them when I lash out with my words. I’m guilty of dehumanizing them when I look back in anger, and only remember the negative. These are the truths of my human condition.

A life of hurt begets a life of pain.

Best & blessed,

em

<3

* adapted from Lincoln’s “Banks”